Top 5 Reasons Speidi Should Be Banned from Existence

Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt – or Speidi, as you may also know them – are walking, talking examples of ‘reality’ TV gone horribly awry. I’m sure there are those what will jump all over my implication that The Hills was stages. I suspect those are also the people that believe Santa Claus is real and there really is a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. The Hills was faker than Heidi’s ridiculous breasts. Need proof? Listen to Audrina Patridge talk about the show now that the spectacle is over. If you believe for a second the Speidi divorce is real, you need to wake up and smell the silicone. If you believe that, you probably The divorce is no more real than anything else this bleach blond duo has ever done which means it’s a complete and total sham. Is Spencer the ring leader? Has he manipulated and used Heidi until she is incapable of thinking for herself? Well, that one I’m not sure of, but one thing is clear. She’s definitely in on it. Pay attention. The clues are there.

The sex tape. Oh my, the sex tape. First, I’m not entirely sure I believe a sex tape exists, but if it does, I am willing to bet every penny I have (don’t get too excited, I’m a writer, I don’t have many pennies to bet) Heidi knew about it and knew full well it would someday see the light of day. If the sex tape does exist, especially if it features Karissa Shannon who is no stranger to using her body to make her more famous, than it was probably recorded with the sole intention of someday being sold. Were people shocked that Heidi left Spencer? They sure were, but that shock only lasted so long. As their names disappear from the headlines, one has to wonder about the timing. With all that said, let’s take a look at the top five reasons Speidi should be banned from existence.

5. Speidi make celebrities everywhere look bad.

Speidi invite the press into every moment of their lives. They welcome the attention. They thrive on it. Not all celebrities would see out their home life for a chance at extending their time in the spotlight. The press can be invasive and unwelcome. Most celebrities, the ones that are in show business because they love acting or making music, don’t want the press trying to pry into their personal lives. Speidi makes them look ungrateful. They aren’t. They just know they don’t have to be fame whores to me famous. Big difference and one that Speidi can’t seem to grasp. Maybe that’s because they don’t have a lick or talent between the two of them and couldn’t get famous any other way. Either way.

4. Speidi is by far the stupidest of all celebrity couple monikers.

Speidi? Really? Spiderman was Spidey – not this train wreck of a couple. Brangelina, Bennifer, Robsten, Gyllenspoon, Mayerston… all very lame and pointless. All infinitely better than Speidi. I have to admit it’s somewhat appropriate as, much like spiders, these two creep me out.

3. Spencer Pratt should just be banished from existence in general. He might as well take Heidi with him.

I don’t want anything bad to happen to Spencer Pratt. I mean, I’m not a cruel person and I’ve never met the guy. I’m sure somewhere out there someone actually cares about him at least a little bit. I’m just saying he should be banished somewhere far, far away to a place so remote and distant, we will never have to worry about hearing his name or seeing his face again. It doesn’t have to be punishment though. Just give him lots of mirrors and Heidi to offer constant attention, and he’ll be fine.

2. The world has far too many fake Christians for its own good and these two are about the worst.

I’m not a religious person, but it sincerely bugs me that these two morons use religion as a way to expand their fan base. Sure, other celebrities have done it, but these two are especially bad. I mean, really. Who devotes their life to religion and follows it up by posing for Playboy? It’s just sad. And pathetic. Thinking about it, it’s absolutely perfect for Speidi.

1. Without Speidi, Heidi and Spencer are just Heidi and Spencer.

Alone, Spencer Pratt is a bigger boob than the fake ones strapped to Heidi’s chest. Alone, Heidi Montag is the living punch line to every blond joke you’ve ever heard. Alone, Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt are mildly annoying but easily ignored. When they join forces as the monster known as Speidi, they are unavoidable. For some reason, the press shows up for every event they stage. The attention only makes Speidi stronger but hungry for more. They will stop at nothing, alert the press to their every move, knowing full well, the press will arrive with cameras in hand. Before long, you can’t pick up a magazine without seeing this disease spreading on every page.

E! Online got it right. They banned the names Spencer Pratt and Heidi Montag from their website. They saw them for what they are and refused to allow the beast to grow. What a wonderful world it would be if all entertainment sites continued that trend. I’m getting on board with that right now. This is the last time I will ever use the term Speidi or the names Heidi Montag or Spencer Pratt in anything I write. To their fans, I only have one appeal. Open your eyes. They’re lying to you and they’re making you look foolish. To those who share my feelings for ‘those who shall not be named’ – join the boycott. Don’t write about them in your blogs. Send e-mails to the websites that do. They’re like bullies on the playground – ignore them and they’ll go away. Let’s make it happen, people!