Marriage is hard right from the start but it doesn’t just magically get easier as time passes. Sometimes, the biggest enemy of a marriage is familiarity. We get comfortable with one another. We get used to one another. The spark is gone and we become that old married couple we always feared we would be. We know each other so well yet, at the same time, we’re strangers somehow. It doesn’t have to go like that though. If you work at it, you can keep the spark alive and burning, even if it doesn’t burn quite as brightly as it did when you first began dating. The tips in this article are merely gleaned from personal experience. There are many, many ways to keep the spark alive if you’re willing to put in a little effort. These things have worked for my husband and I. I hope they’ll help you as well.
Find new things to talk about.
When my husband was 8, a ‘friend’ fired a starting pistol next to his ear, rendering my husband partially deaf in one ear. It sounds terrible, I know, but the first time I heard my husband tell the story with all the wit and flair of a professional comedian, I laughed until my face ached. The following year, my husband was fighting with his brother over, well, whatever most young boys fight with their brothers about. He grabbed a potato from the barrel of potatoes his father kept beside the basement stairs and whipped it at his brother. The throw was high, so high, in fact, he not only missed his brother but sent the potato sailing through the window above the basement door. Well, sort of, anyway. You see, the potato didn’t exactly pass through the window. No, the potato stuck in the window, suspended there in the glass, bringing an immediate end to the argument with his brother and a lot of laughter from both boys. I asked what I felt was a very logical question. “Did you get in trouble?” “Oh course!” My husband replied. “I ruined a perfectly good potato!” I laughed for days. I actually laughed again as I typed this so maybe it’s not a great example of my point but I wanted to share it anyway. What is my point? I’ve heard both of these stories – and many more – roughly a million times since my husband and I started dating. When he says, “Did I ever tell you about …” the answer is almost always yes. He can say the same for me. There comes a time when you’ve heard everything there is to hear about your significant other’s life. So what do you do then? Sit and listen to the same stories or just not talk at all? No! You find new things to talk about! How? Well let’s talk about that.
Find things you can enjoy together.
Watch movies together. Get into a television show together. Movies and television shows are great because they fit right in with what we were talking about a moment ago – they give you something new to talk about. My husband and I watch a few shows together every week. When the newest episode of one of our favorite shows is over, we sit and talk about what happened in the episode, how it ties into older episodes and what we think it sets up for future episodes. If it’s an especially good show, we’ll often bring new theories up throughout the week even though no new episodes have aired. An interesting television show gets a conversation going. The same can be said about a great movie. If you’re not really the television/movie type, think outside of the box. Is there a subject you’re both interested in? Take a minute or two and look the subject up online. My husband and I are both interested in science so when I see something interesting related to science, I bookmark it and call his attention to it later. That gives us yet another new thing to talk about.
Remember, you and man and wife not just Mom and Dad.
If you have children, raising those children so they’ll be happy, healthy and well-adjusted is the most important job you have. It is not the only job you have though. Becoming a parent does not mean giving up your own identity. Take a night away from the kids at least once a month to do grown up things. Go out, have dinner, see a movie or just go for a walk with your spouse. Talk about adult things. Drink adult beverages (if you’re an adult beverage sort of person) and have a few laughs. While some might say once a month isn’t often enough, I wholeheartedly disagree. First of all, it can be extremely difficult for the average couple to get away from the kids that often. Second of all, sticking to once a month makes that night away feel so much more special. Now, if you’ve been “Mom and Dad” for a while, the first few date nights might be a little awkward. You might feel like you have nothing to talk about. You might feel uncomfortable sitting across from each other at the dinner table without the kids there. That’s normal. You need a little time to adjust. Stick with it. If something isn’t working for you, change it up. Go out for drinks instead of dinner. Go dancing instead of seeing a movie. Go for a drive or a walk. The point is just to get out of the house as man and wife and find a way to enjoy each other’s company. My husband and I change it up. Sometimes we go to karaoke. Sometimes we play pool. We have a few drinks. We get a coffee – we don’t do the same thing every time. That way we don’t just start a new version of the same old routine.
Be honest (but not brutally honest) about sex.
You know that old saying, “honesty is the best policy”? Well, it’s true … to an extend. Too much honesty can do far more harm than good. Keep that in mind when you approach the sex conversation with your spouse. Always frame things in a positive light but be clear about what you want, what you don’t want, what you like and what you don’t like; making sure you’re prepared for your spouse to do the same. If your sex life has seen better days, this conversation will help you get everything out in the open and give you something to work with. You need to be open to trying new things but you have to also be willing to put your foot down if your partner wants to try something that you really don’t want to do. No one gains anything from making things awkward and uncomfortable. If you are against something, you need to make that clear. At the same time, you need to ask yourself why you don’t want to do it. Are you simply frightened of trying something new or is your spouse asking you to do something that is completely unreasonable? If your spouse is being unreasonable, explain why instead of just saying “no”. You’ll get much further in the conversation by approaching it that way.
Don’t make it all about sex.
Most often, sex is a symptom of the problem, not the problem itself. If your sex life with your husband isn’t what it used to be, that might not just be because you’ve been together for a long time and have seen all of each other’s tricks. It could be because something deeper is going on. As we get older, we change and sometimes we grow apart. That doesn’t mean you aren’t still in love with your husband. It just means you may have forgotten how it feels to be in love with your husband. It sounds cheesy, I know, but it is 100% the truth. A lot of other stuff can get in the way of that feeling. Find a way to strip all of that away and uncover that love. Trying all sorts of new things in the bedroom can help but unless you get to the root cause of the problem, sexual acrobatics are only a Band-Aid that will eventually fall off and you’ll find the wound is still there.
