With 21st century divorce rates skyrocketing as they are, one has to wonder if every couple who calls it quits tried as hard as they possibly could to save their marriage. Granted, some couples are better off taking their losses and moving on with their lives, but some could work things out if they tried just one more time. In the name of romance, we hope that every troubled twosome will take the time to ask themselves a few key questions before throwing in the marital towel and filing for a divorce.
Were our expectations realistic?
People who feel incomplete in their own lives are not apt to find complete fulfillment simply because they’ve entered into a binding legal contract to love, honor etc, with another human being.
Marriage can be a fine institution for two emotionally whole adults. At the same time, expecting marriage to satisfy all one’s emotional, spiritual, creative, and financial needs is akin to setting oneself up for failure. Marriage counselor Terry Gaspard told Huffington Post:
“Adopting a more realistic expectation of marriage and understanding that a good partnership requires effort from both partners can help couples get through the inevitable ups and downs of married life.
Why and how did we fall in love?
Karl Pillemer, PhD is an internationally renowned gerontologist at Cornell University as well as the author of 30 Lessons for Living: Advice from the Wisest Americans on Love, Relationships, and Marriage. Dr. Pillemer advises frustrated couples to look back on how they met and to reflect on the things that made them fall in love in the first place.
“The people I’ve spoken to have said that reflecting seriously on what brought you together can give you the will to keep trying. A little reflection may help you decide what you need to do to get things back on track.”
Have we tried marriage counseling?
Sometimes, just being able to sit in a room with a dispassionate adult as you each recount your grievances and hopes can be what it takes to bring a once-loving couple back to their senses and back to each other. You and your spouse were once very much in love and owe it to each other to give your marriage every conceivable chance of working out.
If you and your spouse have exhausted all efforts, and you’re both in agreement about calling it quits and moving forward, an online divorce is an option you may wish to consider.
How will divorce affect the kids?
If you and your spouse procreated or brought kids from prior relationships into the marriage, you’ve got to consider how the children will be affected by a marital breakup. If you and your mate fight all the time, divorce may be the most peaceful solution.
Bear in mind, however, that decisions regarding things like custody and child support payments will need to be discussed calmly and rationally.
It’s a sad fact of life that some marriages seem destined for disaster. If people thought as carefully about tying the knot as they do about undoing it, the divorce rate might decrease.
Elizabeth Rojas is a marriage therapist who also works as a freelance agony aunt helping to repair conflict and form tighter bonds in a relationship. Look out for her advice articles online.
